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realism on a finer scale

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[24 Jul 2005|11:46pm]

Paranoia, insomnia, acid reflux

An age old question:

Is it the paranoia that leads to the insomnia which makes the stomach act up?

Does the insomnia lead to paranoia that makes the stomach acid boil?

Is it stomach acid keeping me up at night and making me paranoid?
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[16 Nov 2004|08:30pm]

15% of people with depression commit suicide

Two thirds of all people who kill themselves are “trouble by a depressive illness”

And they tell me there’s nothing to worry about.

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[26 May 2004|04:31am]

[ mood | nauseated ]

I am so terrified. He's going to die. He said he's fine but he's going to get sick and die and I'll have to go through it all again. The crying, the insomnia, the guilt, the grief, the anger and confusion. I'll have find a way to take control, which means dumping my boyfriend. Again. I'll lose the man I love and have to start the process of finding someone new again.

See how this starts?

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[17 May 2004|02:44am]

It’s not the normal paranoia i mind so much. The paranoia about things you can’t control or the things you don’t understand. As far as i’m concerned those are simply survival mechanisms.

It’s the paranoia over things that i’ve already proven to myself shouldn’t be a concern that gets to me. The deep seeded fear that forces me to check and recheck situations no matter how many times i’ve already ensured their safety.

The realization that a one in a million chance still has to happen once.
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[19 Mar 2004|10:45am]

The little blue and white (green and white?) pills aren't working.
I don't know if it's something I just can't detect or it's just that I am so deeply fucked up that there is no amount of medical therapy that can fix me.
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Yes, I realize this song makes for a weird background to this post [10 Mar 2004|04:03am]

Please Christmas, don’t be late.

The source of ones paranoia has always fascinated me. While so many people are paranoid that other people will cause them pain, i personally have long since stopped worrying about other people. Other people can do nothing to you compared to the pain and torment that you can inflict upon yourself.

time for toys and time for cheer

One of my big things is the damage that your mind constantly subjects you to... and i’m always talking about mental pain. I avoid talking about physical pain. How many people know what blood looks like when only illuminated by the end of a cigarette? How many people realize what it meant when i finally bought myself a knife again... did you realize that it meant i actually trusted myself again?

Other people mean nothing to me.... i’m the one i should be scared of.

Me i want a hula-hoooop
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[04 Mar 2004|12:02am]

Why is it that when someone is nice to me I wonder why?
I never have a motiv. Why does everyone else?
Why can't they just be good to me without wanting something?
I never want anything.
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Posting lyrics is incredibly trite... [15 Jan 2004|03:28am]

Did a large procession wave their
Torches as my head fell in the basket,
And was everybody dancing on the casket?

Now it's over I'm dead and I haven't done anything that I want
Or, I'm still alive and there's nothing I want to do

The terrors that chase me away are connected to the fears that bind me.
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[06 Jan 2004|04:42am]

Trust no construct of the mind

The dreams tend to be the worst.

Irregular and jarring images, mixture of past and current with a taste of the Future. Of a future.

All simply to drag up old fears and attempt to add a few new ones. All this simply to make you look that much harder at the shadowy corners of your psyche.

The curve of a breast, the corner of a smile, the echo of laughter ringing in your ear and drowning your thoughts. A dead friend, a broken toy. A broken life.

All the things you know, all that you avoid thinking about. Every simple, trite piece of knowledge that will guarantee your happy ass will be jumping at shadows on the street, and hiding from shadows in your mind. All of these can, and probably will show up in this cracked out Lazer Floyd show created by your own fucking mind.

Your mind.

You are responsible.

At night, in the shadows, your mind lurks.

Armed with your past, waiting to ambush your future.
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[05 Jan 2004|10:14pm]

Hi. I suppose this community is a place to discuss paranoia with others? Yeah, of course. Well then, I've believed everyone was against me since I can remember. Even when I think that I might possibly be wrong, I tell myself that I'm being silly. I think of life as being one big game. Killing myself would end it all. Or I might be forced to do it again. Life isn't important to me because nobody really exists. I'm being vague and random, sorry. Well, hi.
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[11 Jul 2003|02:02pm]

I can't stand it anymore. Wondering if it will be a bad day. A day filled with turning on every light in the house, knowing something -someone- is there. Lurking. No breath, too afraid of finding that someone who couldn't be there, standing strong, horribly and impossibly...there. A day filled with checking the phone memory to find out who gives a damn and when they gave it and for how long. A day of slouching and knowing you shouldn't, eating things that make you feel sick just thinking about them and not caring if they contain cancerous poison. A bad day. A day of doubt.
Depression and Paranoia are brothers, twins with different personalities but identical faces.
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[18 Jun 2003|09:52pm]

[ mood | tired ]

My fault. Always my fault.

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[08 Jun 2003|10:53pm]

[ mood | aggravated ]

What do you really want? I know you couldn't really want this. I don't know your motiv and that's not something I'm willing to let go.

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[17 Apr 2003|01:43pm]

[ mood | cynical ]

They really are all against me. I know they are. I am cut from the circle, given a title I don't deserve (or maybe I do). Everything I do is an offense and everything I think is just a product of my selfish actions. I am hated by them...

...and maybe I should be.

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[12 Mar 2003|04:06pm]

[ mood | anxious ]

Nothing turns out the way it's supposed to.
No one else cares. That's why.

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[06 Feb 2003|01:17am]

[ mood | nauseated ]

The doubt, the fear, that cancer wraps around my brain and eats away every rational thought, every reasonable comfort...until there's nothing but twisted self-pity and suspicion. My stomach turns, my aching head swims with the possibilities...the endless possibilities of betrayal and hate inflicted upon my writhing being.

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[04 Feb 2003|01:24am]

[ mood | distressed ]

"Well, maybe I'm wrong! Maybe I'm wrong!
. . . I know I'm right."
-- High Anxiety

Unfortunately High Anxiety is far too light-hearted for my point.

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[01 Feb 2003|05:37am]

Ah... It is incredible waiting. Waiting, waiting, waiting. Waiting... for... you...
Waiting for... everything. Everything to resolve, to dissolve, to reveal itself to me.

The tension of waiting pokes, prods, stabs the soft spot of my consciousness. I sit in suspense, wondering when the clues will appear, when you will appear, bringing coincidence after coincidence, giving me reason to believe just the thing I contemplate -- and dread -- most.

i fear...
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i'll get to an intro at some point [24 Dec 2002|04:56am]

Ah, the bitter gnaw late at night. Reassuring in it's way. It's amazing how paranoia can quickly become an accepted state of mind... almost an old friend.
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[18 Jun 2002|11:50pm]

I survived
i triumphed
i moved on

Stop looking for the monster under the bed
cause it isnt there
he's hiding in your soul

Stop looking in your soul
cause finding him wont help
fix it
move on
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